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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24779941">Do You Ever Still Think About It?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendofMomus/pseuds/FriendofMomus'>FriendofMomus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:00:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24779941</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendofMomus/pseuds/FriendofMomus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories from a distant planet may become a new reality.</p><p>Occurs sometime after "Hunters"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Shelter from the Storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I do not own the characters.  I just like to play with them on occasion.  </p><p>Hope this is the first in a several chapter story. </p><p>All constructive comments welcome.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janeway and Chakotay walk into a small, dim dwelling.  It’s sparse but well kept.  It’s not clear where the inhabitants may be.  For now, they hope to just borrow the shelter from the violent plasma storm outside. </p><p>Tired and disheveled, Chakotay breathes a sigh of relief, “At least this gets us out of the storm.”</p><p>Janeway immediately taps her comm badge. “Janeway to Voyager.”</p><p>“Go ahead Captain.”</p><p>“We’ve found shelter.  Any luck with the transporter?”</p><p>“Sorry Captain.  The storm is too intense.  We estimate it will dissipate by morning.  If you are safe for now, I recommend we try again at first light”</p><p>“Acknowledged.  Janeway out.”  Turning to Chakotay, ”I guess we’re in for the night.” Without giving him time to respond, “Not sure about you, all I want is some sleep, put this whole ill-advised away mission behind us.”</p><p>Chakotay nods with a small smile.  There is a fireplace and some wood that he easily lights with his phaser.  A warm glow flickers throughout the room, making the unfamiliar surrounding a little more inviting.  He is glad they are here, together. </p><p>“Thank you,” Kathryn says, in a soft voice, betraying the exhaustion she so often wants to hide.  “That’s much better.”</p><p>Her voice almost startles him.  He has been lost in thought making the fire.  As he turns to survey the room, he realizes there is only one bed.  Kathyrn is casually sitting on the corner, making some entries into a PADD she has with her.  Always the scientist, he thinks.  He walks toward the bed, grabbing one of the pillows, “I’ll take the floor.”</p><p>She looks at him with a mixture of surprise and amusement, “Don’t be ridiculous.  It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.”  With purpose, she turns her back to him and begins to take off her boots and gets ready for bed. </p><p>Her statement surprises him and for a moment he is back on that planet that is so far away now.  He is jolted by a warm memory that given the circumstances, he does not wish to dwell on.  No sense in revisiting what has been lost nor hoping their current predicament will bring it back.  He knows Kathyrn far too well for that. </p><p>Chakotay places the pillow back on the bed and sits.  He takes a slow breath, unsure if this is a good idea as he begins to ready himself for bed.    </p><p>_______________________</p><p>The storm continues to rage outside.  The fire provides some warmth and respite.  Given the hard journey they had to get here, sleep should have come easily.  Chakotay lies there, looking up at the dancing shadows on the ceiling, recalling a similar plasma storm, a bathtub, and yes, even that damn primate. </p><p>Janeway is slightly turned from him, hands resting between her cheek and the pillow.  There is space between them, although not much.  The bed is small, and she is careful not to cross any parameters. The quiet has allowed her mind to wander.  She shouldn’t have brought it up, she thinks to herself.  Nothing can come of it.     </p><p>Chakotay glances over at her and can tell she is awake.  He whispers, “I didn’t think you remembered.”</p><p>Janeway is slightly startled, “Remembered?”</p><p>“Our time on New Earth,” he says. He lets the statement hang in the air, unsure what he hopes to hear in return.     </p><p>Janeway hesitates, “Of course I do.  It’s not something you just forget.” 

</p>
<p>They speak in hushed tones, taking their time to use just the right words. They know they are treading on thin ice and neither wants to be the reason they break through. </p><p>“Sometimes I’ve wondered.  We’ve never talked about it.”</p><p>“I know. I’m not sure what there is to say.  I don’t even let myself think about it very often,” Janeway admits.</p><p>“Why? Are the memories that unpleasant?” He is clearly prompting for her to continue. </p><p>“You know that’s not true.  Well maybe except for the monkey.” She chuckles, as much to break the tension that is building in the small space that separates them as to give her a few more seconds to continue. </p><p>“It’s just… that was another life.  Another life lost; another time and place taken away.” Kathryn swallows hard.  She doesn’t want to betray the growing sadness she’s feeling, the gnawing memory of Tuvok’s announcing their rescue, and her silently cursing him for it.  Still unable to make sense of it all, she confesses, “I could have been happy there.”</p><p>“I was happy there,” Chakotay quickly echoes.  And then, with tentative hope in his voice, “We still could be.”</p><p>Looking for an escape but with nowhere to go, Janeway simply breathes “Chakotay,” using what seems like the last bit of oxygen in the room.    </p><p>Unsure if it’s an invitation or a plea to let it go, Chakotay assumes the former and lets his thoughts spill into the quiet room.  “When we left New Earth, it was early in our journey.  We both still had ties to the Alpha Quadrant that had hold of us.  But now, those lives are no longer there to go back to. We’ve been through so much together.  You have to know how important you are to me,” stopping just short of saying he loves her.   “Why can’t we be happy now, in the life fate has given us?”   </p><p>Janeway’s resolve is faltering.  Duty and protocol may be echoing in her head, but it is no match for what is within reach to satisfy the want in her heart.  She turns to face Chakotay.  Thinking only of this moment, she whispers, “Maybe we can, just for tonight.” She searches his face for encouragement.  He holds her gaze with soft eyes, and she tentatively leans in to kiss him.  </p><p>Their lips gently touch. A surge of heat seem to surround them.  Memories become reality.  Chakotay almost reluctantly allows the kiss to deepen.  He takes hold of her arms and pulls her close.  Janeway wraps her arms around him and tangles her fingers in his hair as she pulls him to her.  For a moment or a lifetime, they are together again. </p><p>He has thought of this moment often.  But this is not how he imagined it. He wants more from the women he loves.  Somehow Chakotay finds some lucid thought not clouded by passion that allows him to pull away.  He leans in and rests his forehead against hers. </p><p>“Kathryn, not like this. Unless it’s going to change things, unless it will mean something, I can’t.  It hurts too much to let you go.”</p><p>Janeway pulls back and catches her breath.  “I don’t want to hurt you.” She reaches out to touch his face.  “But Captains and First Officers; it just isn’t done,” pulling out that worn and thinning shield of Starfleet Protocol to try and protect them both. </p><p>Chakotay summons the courage to face this demon head on.  His words are soft yet tinged with a fiery heartbreak.  “If that’s how you feel, I accept it. But at least be honest with yourself about why.  Anything you have set your mind to here in the Delta Quadrant you have achieved, even when that meant bending a Starfleet rule or two.  If this is something you wanted, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.</p><p>Janeway stung by his words turns completely away from him and wraps her arms tightly around herself.  Chakotay almost regrets what he’s just said but can’t quite get there.  He can’t help but wonder, is this where the last remaining glimmer of hope is finally extinguished?  As he looks on, he resists the urge to try and comfort her.  He wants to reach out but knows he cannot bridge the valley between them.  Both wish for sleep that never comes. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It's OK to Remember</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Janeway lets herself remember New Earth.  Where does she go from here?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I love imagining what did happen on New Earth!  JC shippers enjoy!</p><p>I do not own the characters.  I just like to play with them on occasion.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Back on Voyager, Janeway is alone in her quarters, trying to read over the ship's maintenance reports and having no luck.  She is restless and distracted, staring at the passing stars just outside her window.</p><p>She and Chakotay spoke nominal pleasantries since leaving the planet and stayed far away from each other for the rest of their shift.  He revealed no animosity from the discussion the night before.  It was like it never happened.  They were good at that game.  He could always compartmentalize his feeling so much better than she could.  She found it slightly irritating. </p><p>She on the other hand, while hoping to appear calm and collected, could not stop churning through the events of last night. Chakotay was right; they had never talked about New Earth since returning to Voyager. It had been too hard at first, and then as time passed, she was unsure if his feelings had changed. The close friend who stood by her side, told her what she needed to hear, and could almost always make her smile was not something she was willing to risk. But it was still to be a long journey home. She was lonely and began to think maybe she didn't need to be.</p><p>Janeway finally gives up on working and discards the PADD on the coffee table. She sinks into the sofa she so rarely gets to use and closes her eyes, letting her mind return to New Earth. “I had to bring it up,” she admonishes herself. </p><p>It is not difficult to remember how it felt when pulled back her hair and placed his hands on her shoulders.  As he allowed his fingers to lightly brush over hers, she held her breath until she felt a warm rush right to the tips of her toes. If she were honest with herself, he had had that effect on her for a while. On Voyager, she had duty and protocol to keep her from it; on New Earth, there was no escape.</p><p>Later, his story of the Angry Warrior touched her heart. As they held hands that night, a door had opened, but they were not ready to walk through. He held her gaze for a few moments longer, hands still intertwined. Then he simply got up, kissed her hand and said good night. There was no rush for more.  They thought they had plenty of time. Everyone always does.</p><p>They navigated a new routine in the small space of their shelter, with comfortable affection developing in tone and touch. Smiling gazes held for a moment longer than expected, shoulders touching as they viewed a monitor display, anticipation simmering just underneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to be realized.  While the destination began to feel pre-determined, they were enjoying the scenic route getting there.</p><p>Janeway took what Chakotay said to heart. With her research equipment destroyed, chances of leaving the planet were slim. Janeway was letting go, a little bit at a time. She decided to take up gardening, a skill she was not happy to learn as a child but now made her feel content and accomplished. </p><p>She and Chakotay would spend lazy afternoons in a nearby field, enjoying the warm rays of sunlight and natural aroma of the planet.  Often they would pursue their own interests, but occasionally they would share in some activity.  Recently she had introduced him to Dante, as she read some of her favorite passages aloud. When he asked for the book to read further, she didn’t hesitate.  Only later did she remember it was a gift from Mark. That caused her a pang of guilt as she wondered what Chakotay would think of the inscription. </p><p>However some strings existed to her old life that were much harder to cut.  Wanting to keep this little ritual to herself, she would make her way out of the shelter after Chakotay was asleep, careful not to make any noise, just to gaze up at the stars. They were so far away now.  She was grateful to have realized her child hood dream of exploring space, which is much more than some could say.  But with all she had lost over the last two years, this was one more thing that would never be again. </p><p>While Janeway thought she made her nightly sojourns in stealth, Chakotay heard her leave the shelter each night.  He had gotten good at sensing where she was at all times.  He wanted to respect her privacy.  However, worry began to build, so one night he followed her out into the yard. </p><p>He found her sitting on a blanket, arms hugging her knees to her chest trying to keep out the chill of the night air.  Her delicate features silhouetted against the steely glow of the moons. When he saw she was fine, physically at least, he contemplated returning to the shelter unnoticed.  As he started to turn, she heard a small noise and realized he was there.    </p><p>“Chakotay.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to intrude.  I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”</p><p>“I’m fine.  Join me if you like.” Her voice was warm and welcoming.</p><p>Chakotay took up the space next to hers, close but not touching.  Janeway never took her eyes off the stars. He too was entranced by the night’s beauty, both in the sky and sitting next to him.  Janeway was the first to break the comfortable silence that had settled between them.</p><p>“So, I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought, hmm?”</p><p>“I wanted to give you your privacy, but I did get curious about where you were going. It is beautiful out here.”</p><p>“I’ve always had a pull toward the stars,” Janeway voice hitched as she laughed, trying to mask the hurt she was feeling.</p><p>"You miss it don't you?"  Chakotay asks.  No sooner had the question left his lips than he regretted it.  He hated asking questions that had such obvious answers.  But that did prompt Janeway to continue.    </p><p>“It’s not that I can’t be happy here. It’s just that I’ll never again be up there.”</p><p>For the first time Chakotay understood Janeway’s true turmoil.  It wasn’t that she wasn’t on Voyager or would never see Earth again.  The loss of exploring the stars is the thing she mourns most, an innate need she could never again satisfy that would now be her ever present burden. Chakotay’s first instinct was to try and make that burden lighter, but he stopped himself.  It wasn’t his place to try and fix this. </p><p>Janeway continues.  “You must miss it too? Exploring the galaxy.”</p><p>“Sometimes. My time in Star Fleet was very different.  Yes, I joined as a way to follow my interest in archeology, cultures, and people. But my missions were far more routine, getting lost in the bureaucracy and going to areas well-traveled by the Federation. So when the opportunity came to defend the Bajorans in their fight for freedom, I took it. While it was a just cause, it delivered me into a time of fighting and death.  And our time on Voyager has not been without struggle. Now is maybe just a time to rest.”</p><p>Janeway envied the contentment in his voice. </p><p>“Although, I’m sure there is much to learn about this planet,” Chakotay finished.    </p><p>Janeway couldn’t help but smile. She felt lighter just by having talked about it with Chakotay.  He always seemed to have that effect on her.  She added, “I can focus my attention here and find out what’s over that mountain or down the river. Yes, I am sure there is much we can explore together." Janeway injected that last comment with more suggestion than she intended. She wasn't at all sorry when he seemed amused and receptive.</p><p>“Well, I don’t think we can avoid “together”. I just hope you won’t tire of me.” Chakotay wasn’t exactly fishing for a compliment, but one came none the less. </p><p>“Not possible.”</p><p>And there it was, a cord of attraction that got louder each time it was played. The affection coming from Chakotay’s eyes could warm even the chilliest of evenings. Janeway moved a little closer and rested her head on his shoulder.  He did not hesitate to put his arm around her.  One more step.</p><p>Turning their attention back to the stars, Chakotay asked, “So have you named any of the constellations?”</p><p>“Not yet.  But I will.  I want to track how they move with the seasons. I have my eye on those two.” Janeway points to two tandem stars twinkling brighter than the rest. “I want to watch them chase each other across the night sky.”</p><p>“That doesn’t sound like much fun, hope he catches her at some point.”  Chakotay’s laughter fills the air. He pulls her in a little closer. “Or maybe it’s just a dance that will last as long as the cosmos.”  Then he reaches for his tricorder and begins playing some music. He rises and extends his hand in an unspoken invitation. </p><p>Janeway nods and gets up. They are immediately back in each other’s arms. Janeway should have anticipated the warmth and comfort his strength would provide. She felt enveloped by him.  As they swayed to the music, any distance between them is lost.  They fit so well together. </p><p>As the last of the notes float away, the rhythm of the music is replaced with their own.  They are unwilling to end their embrace, arms continue to encircle the other. The world has stopped. Everything is heightened, the feel of his heartbeat below her cheek, the flowery smell of her hair.  A delicate bubble now surrounds them and neither wants to do anything that will cause it to break. </p><p>“Kathryn” her name always sounds like velvet from his lips. </p><p>Janeway lifts her head from his chest, raising her gaze to his.  She finds nothing but heated desire in his dark eyes as he searches her face for encouragement.  Her heart is pounding as she moves her hands behind his head and draws him closer to her.  Her lips seek his as the last moments of anticipation slip away.    </p><p>Janeway has never experienced a more romantic moment in her life. Chakotay leans down and gently brushes his lips to hers, relishing the moments to come. He allows his tongue to trace her bottom lip before heeding her invitation for more.  They are both eager to dance these final steps and satisfy the want between them. Their hands roam more freely, eliciting moans of arousal. Janeway can feel his desire growing.</p><p>Janeway breaks from the kiss first. She takes his hand in hers and in a raspy, breathless voice says, “Come with me.” Chakotay follows her back into the shelter where she leads him to her bed. There is no more need for words.  They slowly undress each other, exploring with lips, fingers and tongues. She lies on the bed, naked for the first time under his full gaze.  He breathes, “You’re beautiful,” as he joins her and runs his fingers through her hair.  Cradling her face in his hands, he kisses her with an intensity she is not prepared for but is eager to receive. </p><p>Making love to Chakotay was as hot, gentle, urgent and satisfying as she could have imagined. Her body was quick to respond under his expert touch. She found ways to elicit the same response from him.  It was a night of give and take, delicious discovery, aroused exclamations, names gasped in the heat of passion, and finally quiet contentment. Janeway was grateful for all that transpired that lead them here.   </p><p>Afterward, Chakotay holds Janeway close.  There is little option as the bed is meant for one.  “Should I go to my bed?  Not much room here.”  He is hoping the answer is no, but feels he must ask just the same.      </p><p>“Don’t you dare.” Janeway moves closer still.  “I want to wake up just like this in the morning.”  Chakotay has no objections as they drift off to sleep. </p><p>After this, they re-arranged the shelter so they had one bedroom to share.  They didn’t realize that in just a week’s time, they would hear Tuvok on their comm badge and life would upend itself again.</p><p>That cold reminder of reality brought Janeway back to Voyager.  Her daydreaming did nothing to calm her down.  She was just as wound up as before.  She invoked a Captain’s prerogative and decide to go for a stroll around the ship, anything to burn off a little of this angst she couldn’t shed.  Voyager not being that large, she was soon near her quarters again.  Instead of going in, she continued a few more doors down finding herself outside of Chakotay’s.  She reaches out, still deciding if she should ring the bell.   </p>
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